Unworthy

[Here's an example of a story I've been playing in my head for as long as I can remember. I am so done with Unworthy!]

I realized that I’ve been tormented by a demon called “Unworthy.”  When I tell people that I am the youngest of eight children (and the only boy), a common reaction is, “You must have been so spoiled!”  in a joking tone.  While they don’t mean any harm by the statement, I didn’t like hearing it.  I resisted the label of “spoiled” because it hurt to hear it.  Maybe it was true and I didn’t want to admit it.  Maybe it’s because I felt guilty about the priveleges I enjoyed because of things beyond my control (e.g. birthorder).  I don’t really know why it grated on me so much, but inside my head, I would say to myself, “No I NOT spoiled!” while smiling and shrugging my shoulders on the outside.

The story I created to protect myself from the feelings of hurt was, “I’ll show them!  I’ll prove that I deserve everything I get by working hard and earning it!  Then they can’t call me ’spoiled’ anymore”  That story seemed to work really well for me until now.  I’ve enjoyed tremendous success in all areas of my life because of my work ethic. 

However, that story puts a limit on my abundance.  Because I was so determined to earn everything, my pride would not allow me to receive gifts or good fortune.  In other words, if I didn’t earn it, I rejected it.  Deep down, I felt like I was unworthy of it.  Ask my wife, Eileen.  She’ll tell you how hard it is for me to receive a gift.  [But I have no problem showering people I love with gifts.]  Check this out…  it would be unacceptable for me to win the lottery because it’s not something I can earn.  It’s crazy… I know!  It’s not rational… I know!  But for someone that believed that he had to earn everything through hard work, I held this as truth.  I allowed this story to guide my outlook on life.  I’ve been working hard to earn everything I have because I was unworthy of good fortune. 

After making such outrageous declarations for my life [see previous postings], I immediately heard a tiny voice in my head that said, “There’s no way you can earn everything – you can’t have it all because you’re not good enough.”  I’ve come to realize that there’s just no way I can possibly earn everything I declared.  That much is true.  But, by confronting this demon called Unworthy, I realized that I don’t have to earn everything to receive it all.  I am worthy of being blessed by all of it.  That’s my new story and I’m sticking to it!

If you are familiar with the Christian faith, you may have heard that the devil is particularly adept at telling us lies to distract us from the love that God intends us to experience.  He is particularly good at twisting the truth against us.  Yet, when a lie is exposed for what it is, it has no power anymore.  When light shines into the darkness, the darkness no longer exists.  Sometimes, demons have names that are associated with their “specialty”.  Confronting the demon called Unworthy renders it harmless because I reject its lies about me being unworthy.  For the rest of my life, I am free of this demon that has been tormenting me since childhood.  That’s freedom!

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” John 8:32